I Want to Speak Now

Welcome to my blog. This is my first post - I feel an overwhelming pressure to make it significant. I want to be understood, I want to be heard. I don't want to be misunderstood even moreso. But I suppose that I don't have control over how you will take this blog - whether you will read it again, whether you will love it or hate it, whether you will be encouraged or discouraged. I really don't have control over any of this.

It reminds me of an episode in the first season of "The West Wing". I have recently gotten into the show. I think it's great. I love the drama of real politics, and hence I love a political drama. The fledgling administration of President Bartlet has had a difficult first 16 months in power. They have been getting to grips with the workings of Washington - contending with lobby groups, internal party politics, a suspicious press, and an antagonistic Congress. They lurch from one challenge to another - failing demonstrably along the way. The President's approval rating has dipped to 42%.

After a day of pandering to congressmen, 'dipping their toes in the water' with no intention of taking action over political appointments, and avoiding issues they care about for fear of the impact on the polls, Leo McGarry, the President's Chief of Staff walks into the Oval Office.

"They [the Press] say that I rein you in, Mr President."

"We both know that's not true, Leo."

"I know - you rein me in Mr. President, " Leo accuses.

The tone turns more aggressive as Leo shows the President how he has stifled the administration for fear of losing political approval. The President has caused his administration to tip-toe around issues for fear of political retribution, misunderstanding from the American people, and fear of impotence in achieving the desired result. Leo reminds the President of the presidential election race; Bartlet's keen hold on the issues and determination to put what he believed across to the public...

There comes a moment when they both look at each other - with a sense of rediscovered passion, with eyes wide-open, Bartlet says slowly, "This is more important than re-election, I want to speak now."

Leo smiles and says, "Yes Mr President, say it again."

"This is more important than re-election, I want to speak NOW!"

They both demonstrate joy and excitement. Leo grabs a pad of paper and starts writing. The President advises him to rally the staff - that they are going to speak. He says to Leo, "Do you have a strategy?"

Leo responds saying, "I think this is a good start." He raises the pad of paper. Upon it he has written his strategy:

'Let Bartlet, Be Bartlet'
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So, here I find myself starting a blog about my healing journey from unwanted homosexuality to my true identity as a fully heterosexual man. I tried to start such a blog two years ago but bearly posted to it twice. I was scared. Again today, I fear misunderstanding, I fear being hounded by critics, I fear not expressing myself clearly. But for too long I have feared these things. I have passion in my heart. I want the world to know the truth that I experience - that healing is possible, that I wasn't born gay, that I can find joy and fulfillment in a relationship with a woman - that you, too, can have your sexuality restored.

"This is more important than approval, I want to speak NOW!"

So welcome, may you truly hear and receive all that is of worth on this blog.