MOVING THE BLOG

New domain: http://www.restoredsexuality.com/
RSS Feed: http://feeds.feedburner.com/restoredrss

Ok, I have decided to move this blog. Better to do this sooner rather than later. I decided to get my own domain and to host using Wordpress. It gives me more freedom to develop and I think it will look better and be more functional. So please add my new domain to your favourites, and even add my rss feed. Also, feel free to link to me from your site.

I hope you're enjoying the blog so far - there's a lot more to come.

I'm opening the new blog to comments too. It's a trial basis - would be great to hear what you all think.

New domain: http://www.restoredsexuality.com/
RSS Feed: http://feeds.feedburner.com/restoredrss

Comment: How 'gay' became children's insult of choice

I just read an article on the BBC website called "How 'gay' became children's insult of choice". In general the article discusses how children use the term 'gay' as an insult. Of the teachers interviewed 83% said they heard it being used regularly. I think it is interesting that this term is used so prevalently by kids to get at each other - why this term and not another? The article at points attempts to dissassociate the term from being specifically about homosexuality, saying that it is often just used to refer to something as "rubbish" - butstill, I suppose, why is this term used and not another. Potentially, we don't want to admit that homophobia is rife in British schools - when challenged on the usage, people may simply recognise that such a term is inappropriate and defend the potential for being seen as homophobic by claiming it has nothing to do with homosexuality.

I think it is a real shame that "gay" is used so prevalently in the school playground. Homophobia in all forms is wrong. I remember hearing people being called "gay" as an insult while I grew up. It made me question myself; it heightened my sense that there was something wrong with me, that I wasn't as good as the other guys. It wasn't that I was just the same as all the other guys, but that I was gay. It was actually that I was just the same as all the other guys, and if I could let that sink deep within, my homosexual feelings would diminish and my true heterosexuality would come forward. I believe the insults of kids help to ground even further this sense of being different for the 'pre-homosexual' boy. Being labelled as "gay" can be a first step to identifying yourself as gay and taking on the lifestyle that "being gay" offers.

Kids are more expressive than adults. What they think comes out more clearly. I wonder if kids are simply displaying the unease that the majority of adults have with homosexuality, which their parents more and more cover over with the myths perpetuated by the gay rights lobby. Just a thought.

Cravings for food, cravings for sex

I saw a woman on the bus yesterday. She was quite large. When I first noticed her she was eating a packet of crisps/ chips. She seemed to be enjoying them a lot. Her fervour was evident. I tried not to pay attention to her, and just continued listening to my ipod. Next time I looked over she had a large, long bread sandwich that she’d unwrapped and was tearing her way into. Again, she seemed to determined in her eating. I kept looking across, thinking that she must notice me staring - but I just couldn’t help it. On finishing the sandwich I thought there must be something else. She had a bag with her, capable of carrying a fair few food items. But there was a lull. After a while I thought there would be nothing else… but oh, how wrong was I…

I noticed the smell first. I couldn’t quite work out what it was - I thought maybe fish. She was pulling something out of her bag in lumps, then eating it bit by bit. It stuck to her fingers a bit and so she was also licking her fingers. I was now just staring outright. She was oblivious anyway. I then realised what it was. She was eating corned beef from a large tin. She would just eat and eat. Eventually, just before I got off the bus, she pulled the tin from her bag, and scraped out the remnants from the bottom of it. She had eaten the whole tin. This was all at 4 o’clock in the afternoon - was it her lunch, dinner, or just an afternoon snack - who knows!

In some ways it was repulsive, other ways sad. She clearly derived pleasure from simply eating. I imagined that it must comfort her in some ways, but in no way was this good for her. I doubt she needed any of the food that I watched her eat.

So, where am I going with this. Well, it made me think about addiction. In many ways, she was helpless to stop - she probably didn’t want to stop. If she did, what comfort would she have left. It reminded me of my homosexuality. In the past, acting out, either in reality with another guy or online, just consumed me. It would take over a whole portion of my day. I would be obsessed - I’d just want someone else to be there. I’d do anything just to have some intimacy with another guy, to get the comfort I so craved. I would shock myself with the lengths I would go to. I have told a few friends of how desperate things have gotten before - they so couldn’t tie this up to the person they experience day-to-day. But the desperation and the everday guy were both parts of me.

I suppose there was one clear difference between my homosexual craving and this woman’s food craving - my craving was played out in private, even deluding myself to its presence, her craving was played out in public for all to see, but I suppose she was deluding herself also. But both cravings were futile - bringing pleasure in the moment, but leaving a distaste afterwards; a momentary connection, but nothing of longterm satisfaction. For me (I’m only talking about my experience), the pleasure of acting out was always momentary - longterm hopes faded even more quickly than they had risen.

A thought has just crossed my mind - Could being “gay” be more analogous to being fat that I had ever imagined before? I’m not saying they are identical, but there are similarities. Something to contemplate… Also, something for the gay-identified readers to jump on, exaggerate and slog to death in an attempt to discredit me!! Well, whatever takes your fancy!

How I became "gay" (brief summary)

I would like to give you some indication of how homosexuality developed in my life. I am certain that it developed. Even if you don't believe that this is possible in general, I would appreciate that you listen to my story. I matter! My experience and interpretation of my own life is more valid than anyone else's interpretation of my life.

So, please put aside your pity of me, or your thoughts that I have been brainwashed by the religious right, or your concern for the deeply entrenched internalised homophobia that you feel you are witnessing in me. Just listen to my story, hear me - this is an honest appraisal of my past and how it has impacted my present.

For now I will only highlight key events and their impact - further detail will arise in later posts. In no way will this post fully explain why I have same sex attraction.

I suppose it all started the moment I was born. I know that there was shock and concern as I entered the world. I was born with a large lump on my nose, and I was also a boy (I think you knew the second one). Both these facts were challenges for my mum to deal with. She had wanted a girl to help her out. She already had a son (my older brother), and she found him a handful, and difficult to control - a girl would have been so much easier for her. The lump also caused her concern, and meant that my first few months were not surrounded with joy and love, but rather anxiety and concern. At 3 months, I had surgery to remove the lump. I was finally a cute little baby boy.

In my early years, my mum was keen to keep me out of trouble, and to ensure that I wasn't as difficult as my brother. Greater expectations were placed on me to be quiet, to keep mum happy, and to be "a good little boy". I rose to these expectations. I also knew that I shouldn't play with "bad boys", whoever they seemed to be. It seemed that it was virtually every other little boy! Again I complied, and I developed friendships with some girls who lived nearby.

I always wanted to play with my brother, but he never had time for me, and he was embarrassed to have me around - he didn't want his friends to reject him because his little brother was hanging around. Since, my brother played with the other boys in the neighbourhood, there really was no way for me to break in. Also, my parents never helped me push through this.

At about 8 years old, the girls I played with rejected me for some reason. I told my mum and she just said, "Well, boys don't really play with girls." This just confused my young mind - why did my mum only tell me that now! Why not ages ago, and why was she content for me to play with them if that was the case?! Oh well, I just moved on, and ended up playing with one guy who lived nearby every day. Now, I had been told I should play with boys, I just got on with it.

But then my brother decided he did want me to play with him and his friends. They needed an extra person for some role playing games (like Dungeons and Dragons) they wanted to play, so I got roped in. I was delighted to be included. We would play every day during the summer. My brother would go out and tell me to wait for him to return with his friends. Then they'd come back and we'd play. I enjoyed it for a bit, but then they didn't always show up. I would be left waiting for my brother and his friends to come back, but they wouldn't show. My brother wouldn't even let me know that they weren't going to appear. This confused me again. I was told to wait, I would be shouted at for not waiting, but if they didn't come waiting was very painful. I was left with a deep sense of "I don't know what to do!" I just got left behind, and my life just stopped.

From the age of about 10 right through my teenage years I really didn't know how to break out of this. I was stuck in the house. I wanted to go out but I just didn't know how to. I would make lists of things to do, but couldn't bring myself to follow through (see post Homosexuality as 'Inhibited Assertion'). I thought there must be something wrong with me, that it was all my fault in some way.

It's in the midst of this pain that I believe my homosexuality developed. As described above, I wasn't fully affirmed as a little boy. My boyhood was questioned; I wasn't allowed to be boisterous. When I finally started relating to boys, I met abandonment and pain. This added to my self-questioning of whether I quite made it as a little boy.

It is said that opposites attract. On reaching puberty, other boys had gained assurance in their boyhood, and so girls were "opposite" for them. Hence their sexual desire naturally flowed to girls. For me, I hadn't been affirmed as a boy. I looked to the other boys and thought that they were somehow better than me. I longed to connect with the other boys but didn't know how. In reality I needed to connect better with myself. So, opposites attract. I looked at other boys as "opposite" to me, and my sexual desire naturally flowed in that direction. Due to all the emotional blocks and barriers in my life, sexuality was the only way left for me to connect with boys, and hence my subconscious found a way. N.B. the subconscious always finds a way, but not always the best way.

So, that's a quick synopsis of some key events. Having written it, I am even more sure that it doesn't do justice to my story but I trust that you will bear this in mind.

Impossible is Nothing

I want to encourage every man who struggles with unwanted homosexuality. I want you to know that you are not alone. There are many men just like you, who are looking for, or who are on, another path - a path that society doesn't give us easy access to, but a path that is available all the same. Change is possible - that which we are told is impossible is in fact possible. Our sexuality is not some fixed state that is unalterable - there is fluidity in sexuality. You hear about straight guys who 'experiment' as kids - society doesn't say they are gay! You also hear of guys who have lived heterosexual lives deep into life, but then they experience homosexuality. Some in society would say they were never straight - probably there are some who in that sense were living a lie - but for many, from their discussion of their lives, both heterosexuality and homosexuality were evident. The gay lobby are content for men to go from straight to gay, but they deride and criticise those who go from gay to straight. Don't live your life by anyone else's values - live it by your own. If you want change, if you value it, then go after it. Press on - it truly is possible.

I am on that path of change. I want to document this change in my life through this blog. I choose to be authentic. I will not hype up this change - I will not make false claims about change in my life. I will express the truth of my experience. I hope that as you read and watch me change, that you will gain more hope to change too.

For the sceptics - follow my story, follow this time in my life. I don't want to deceive or manipulate. I simply want to challenge you with the reality of all the theory demonstrated through a life.

We're led to beleive that change is impossible - well, "Impossible is nothing". Impossible just sets a challenge. I'm going for it!

The Simple Joy of Action

So, I've been talking about taking action recently - the need to act on my wants and desires. Well, I thought I would not just talk about it - I'd do it. I have a friend who lives a good 3 hours away by car. I've been wanting to call him to connect and to suggest that I come to visit when I am in his area soon. Ok, so I know that sounds a fairly easy thing to do, but for me it is actually quite difficulty. The desire has been running through my mind for the last couple of weeks, but since a kid I have been in the habit of putting off my desires, or finding a reason not to deal with it in that moment. Today I decided would be different. What in reality did I have to lose?

Even as I sat down to call my friend my mind wandered; I couldn't focus. I typed his number into my phone. I just looked at it for a good minute (more like 5 minutes). I then said "It really matters that I want to ring this guy" (see yesterday's post regarding this affirmation). I repeated it a couple of times and then I took a deep breath and pressed the dial button....

I got his answer phone! I left a message just saying hello and that I had called to see how he was - asked him to call me back if he had time (so I gave him a get out if he wanted it!)

A few hours later he called me back. We chatted and I enjoyed hearing how he was. I could hear that he was pleased I'd called. Just as we were about to say goodbye I plucked up the courage to ask if I could visit him when I'm up in his area in a few weeks. As I anticipated his rejection and awkwardness in saying no to me, instead he responded by saying, "Yes, I'd really like for you to visit. I should be able to rearrange work." We said we'd discuss further and then said goodbye.

So, I felt joy - great joy after the call. Again it may sound small, but my life is formed and progressed by acting on my desires - of course I am joyous for taking this action, especially when I consider the immense pain I have caused myself by not taking similar action numerous times in the past.

I'm concerned you may think I'm a social recluse. This isn't the case. I come across well to people and I do go out and have a good time with friends, but I often don't step beyond the friends I've gained safety and security with. I don't acknowledge the desires that go beyond my comfort zone. I rob myself of life.

So, I want more of this joy, more of this life. Again, consistency is the key - from that I will form a habit - habits form character.

Homosexuality as "Inhibited Assertion"

I'm feeling good today - have a sense of purpose. I planned my day last night before I went to sleep. That made a difference for me. It gave me focus as soon as I got up this morning and ensured that I didn't let any of my day drift by. By lunchtime I felt the joy of feeling accomplished:)

I suppose this is all about being an authentic man - recognising my wants and needs, and going one step further and acting on them! That final step is the most important, but if I don't start by recognising my wants and needs, acting on them is even less likely to happen. Someone once said to me "Men Take Action". It's true - a vital characteristic of a man is the ability to take action. In many ways in today's society men have been put in a box, trapped in a corner, and have pulled back from taking action. In taking action you change the world - thinking about it won't change the world, trying to change the world won't change it, but choosing to change the world and following through will make the impact... You might think I'm just playing with words, but don't underestimate the power of words. The words we use day to day shape our experience and our world. Use different words and you will get different results. If you respond to your desires and needs with different words you are more likely to take action on them.

e.g. Often I respond to my desires and needs by saying to myself, "It doesn't matter that I need/want to..." or "It'll be ok if I don't get that." I learnt to do this as a kid, so as to cope with the pain of not getting what I wanted and needed. But this defensive language doesn't serve me as an adult. As a man I need to go after my needs and wants whole-heartedly. To help with this it will help me to respond to them with different words such as, "It truly matters that I need/want to..." or "It will be great if I get that." These words create a different state within me, and give me power to follow through. I am only now getting my head round this - I want to start now.

Some would say that homosexuality is 'inhibited assertion' i.e. the restriction of this masculine characteristic of taking action. So when a man who struggles with SSA can get over all the barriers and blocks that inhibit his action and whole-heartedly embrace and act upon his wants and needs, the SSA feelings will not be there. I believe there to be a lot of truth in this. My homosexual feelings are non-existent when I am acting on my needs and wants. So, what I need is consistency... there's still some more blocks to deal with to get that.