Acting Out - I just want to connect

I felt vulnerable to acting out today. A guy on the subway caught my eye and then he tried to "pick me up" so to speak. It kind of took me by surprise - I liked being noticed and wanted to connect in some way with the guy, but having done so well recently I was able to close the door to this "opportunity". The only reason I was on the same train as this guy was because I got on the wrong line!! It's funny how these things happen.

This occurrence left me feeling numb earlier today. I actually felt a sense of loss - part of me really wanted to connect in some way - any way! It left me wondering how I got to this place. To be honest, it helped me see how over the last few days I have drifted to this low kind of state. Last week my therapist mentioned that he thought I wasn't "over" the relationship I had with a guy at university (a few years ago). He encouraged me to consider what I wanted from this guy, what I needed from him and what I got. He also encouraged me to journal about my feelings surrounding all of this. I was aware there is still undealt with pain and loss relating to this relationship, so I followed this all up on Friday. It was useful to do the exercises, but even in doing it the emotion rose to the surface. I cried as I hit the longing for just one other guy to be there for me.

This longing has sat with me over the weekend. I think it is a key component of why I have SSA. Having no friends as a kid and teenager, I simply longed for one good friend to spend all my time with. I thought "If only I had just one friend, I'd be ok. That would be enough". But I wasn't able to connect in the regular ways - call someone up, go round to their house etc, and so I believe that my subconscious sexualised this longing. Sex ended up being the only way left to connect, since I was unable in the other ways. (Don't get me wrong, this is one way to describe the issue, but it is also more complex than this - there are many facets that build together, but this one was significant for me). Acting on this method of connection helped to reinforce this method in my subconcsious and conscious minds.

Over the years I have learned to connect more healthily to guys. I have developed reasonably good social skills. I have options in terms of how to connect with other guys. I have noticed that when I take these options consistently that the SSA feelings are non-existent. I get the connection I crave, and sex doesn't come into it at all.

So back to this week... Over the last few days I have been withdrawing from others and not acting on my desires with regards to relating to others. The emotion I dug up last week kind of threw my body back into it. I got refroze as old memories surfaced - my body remembered it's old way of coping by not acting, diminishing/ ignoring my desires, and putting things off.

The consequence of this ended up being that my subconscious had to search for some way to meet my legitimate need for male connection. Over the last few days, acting out sexually has crept ever so stealthily in as an option, culminating in the subway incident this morning.

So, I hope you can see how this happened. I also want to point out how I got out of it: when I got home, after hitting the wall a bit in anger, I rang a friend of mine as I knew I simply needed to connect. Eventually he encouraged me to connect with other people. I didn't really want to, but knew it would probably help. I went for a 45 minute walk in which I thought through my goals for life, was thankful for the good things in my life, and I said my "incantations". This all helped to refocus me and gain back some leverage on myself. On getting home I made contact with two different people I had been thinking about contacting in the past week, but had put off contacting. My friend who I had spoke to earlier then called me back to check how I was. The result: I feel great! I'm connected - that's what I've been wanting!! There's no SSA in sight/ mind.

Having written the above, it reminds me of some work done by Dr. Joseph Nicolosi, which is summarised in the article "The Meaning of Same-Sex Attraction". It's really worth reading - it truly opened my eyes when I first read it. I might go into what he says in more depth at some point.