Cravings for food, cravings for sex

I saw a woman on the bus yesterday. She was quite large. When I first noticed her she was eating a packet of crisps/ chips. She seemed to be enjoying them a lot. Her fervour was evident. I tried not to pay attention to her, and just continued listening to my ipod. Next time I looked over she had a large, long bread sandwich that she’d unwrapped and was tearing her way into. Again, she seemed to determined in her eating. I kept looking across, thinking that she must notice me staring - but I just couldn’t help it. On finishing the sandwich I thought there must be something else. She had a bag with her, capable of carrying a fair few food items. But there was a lull. After a while I thought there would be nothing else… but oh, how wrong was I…

I noticed the smell first. I couldn’t quite work out what it was - I thought maybe fish. She was pulling something out of her bag in lumps, then eating it bit by bit. It stuck to her fingers a bit and so she was also licking her fingers. I was now just staring outright. She was oblivious anyway. I then realised what it was. She was eating corned beef from a large tin. She would just eat and eat. Eventually, just before I got off the bus, she pulled the tin from her bag, and scraped out the remnants from the bottom of it. She had eaten the whole tin. This was all at 4 o’clock in the afternoon - was it her lunch, dinner, or just an afternoon snack - who knows!

In some ways it was repulsive, other ways sad. She clearly derived pleasure from simply eating. I imagined that it must comfort her in some ways, but in no way was this good for her. I doubt she needed any of the food that I watched her eat.

So, where am I going with this. Well, it made me think about addiction. In many ways, she was helpless to stop - she probably didn’t want to stop. If she did, what comfort would she have left. It reminded me of my homosexuality. In the past, acting out, either in reality with another guy or online, just consumed me. It would take over a whole portion of my day. I would be obsessed - I’d just want someone else to be there. I’d do anything just to have some intimacy with another guy, to get the comfort I so craved. I would shock myself with the lengths I would go to. I have told a few friends of how desperate things have gotten before - they so couldn’t tie this up to the person they experience day-to-day. But the desperation and the everday guy were both parts of me.

I suppose there was one clear difference between my homosexual craving and this woman’s food craving - my craving was played out in private, even deluding myself to its presence, her craving was played out in public for all to see, but I suppose she was deluding herself also. But both cravings were futile - bringing pleasure in the moment, but leaving a distaste afterwards; a momentary connection, but nothing of longterm satisfaction. For me (I’m only talking about my experience), the pleasure of acting out was always momentary - longterm hopes faded even more quickly than they had risen.

A thought has just crossed my mind - Could being “gay” be more analogous to being fat that I had ever imagined before? I’m not saying they are identical, but there are similarities. Something to contemplate… Also, something for the gay-identified readers to jump on, exaggerate and slog to death in an attempt to discredit me!! Well, whatever takes your fancy!