How I became "gay" (brief summary)

I would like to give you some indication of how homosexuality developed in my life. I am certain that it developed. Even if you don't believe that this is possible in general, I would appreciate that you listen to my story. I matter! My experience and interpretation of my own life is more valid than anyone else's interpretation of my life.

So, please put aside your pity of me, or your thoughts that I have been brainwashed by the religious right, or your concern for the deeply entrenched internalised homophobia that you feel you are witnessing in me. Just listen to my story, hear me - this is an honest appraisal of my past and how it has impacted my present.

For now I will only highlight key events and their impact - further detail will arise in later posts. In no way will this post fully explain why I have same sex attraction.

I suppose it all started the moment I was born. I know that there was shock and concern as I entered the world. I was born with a large lump on my nose, and I was also a boy (I think you knew the second one). Both these facts were challenges for my mum to deal with. She had wanted a girl to help her out. She already had a son (my older brother), and she found him a handful, and difficult to control - a girl would have been so much easier for her. The lump also caused her concern, and meant that my first few months were not surrounded with joy and love, but rather anxiety and concern. At 3 months, I had surgery to remove the lump. I was finally a cute little baby boy.

In my early years, my mum was keen to keep me out of trouble, and to ensure that I wasn't as difficult as my brother. Greater expectations were placed on me to be quiet, to keep mum happy, and to be "a good little boy". I rose to these expectations. I also knew that I shouldn't play with "bad boys", whoever they seemed to be. It seemed that it was virtually every other little boy! Again I complied, and I developed friendships with some girls who lived nearby.

I always wanted to play with my brother, but he never had time for me, and he was embarrassed to have me around - he didn't want his friends to reject him because his little brother was hanging around. Since, my brother played with the other boys in the neighbourhood, there really was no way for me to break in. Also, my parents never helped me push through this.

At about 8 years old, the girls I played with rejected me for some reason. I told my mum and she just said, "Well, boys don't really play with girls." This just confused my young mind - why did my mum only tell me that now! Why not ages ago, and why was she content for me to play with them if that was the case?! Oh well, I just moved on, and ended up playing with one guy who lived nearby every day. Now, I had been told I should play with boys, I just got on with it.

But then my brother decided he did want me to play with him and his friends. They needed an extra person for some role playing games (like Dungeons and Dragons) they wanted to play, so I got roped in. I was delighted to be included. We would play every day during the summer. My brother would go out and tell me to wait for him to return with his friends. Then they'd come back and we'd play. I enjoyed it for a bit, but then they didn't always show up. I would be left waiting for my brother and his friends to come back, but they wouldn't show. My brother wouldn't even let me know that they weren't going to appear. This confused me again. I was told to wait, I would be shouted at for not waiting, but if they didn't come waiting was very painful. I was left with a deep sense of "I don't know what to do!" I just got left behind, and my life just stopped.

From the age of about 10 right through my teenage years I really didn't know how to break out of this. I was stuck in the house. I wanted to go out but I just didn't know how to. I would make lists of things to do, but couldn't bring myself to follow through (see post Homosexuality as 'Inhibited Assertion'). I thought there must be something wrong with me, that it was all my fault in some way.

It's in the midst of this pain that I believe my homosexuality developed. As described above, I wasn't fully affirmed as a little boy. My boyhood was questioned; I wasn't allowed to be boisterous. When I finally started relating to boys, I met abandonment and pain. This added to my self-questioning of whether I quite made it as a little boy.

It is said that opposites attract. On reaching puberty, other boys had gained assurance in their boyhood, and so girls were "opposite" for them. Hence their sexual desire naturally flowed to girls. For me, I hadn't been affirmed as a boy. I looked to the other boys and thought that they were somehow better than me. I longed to connect with the other boys but didn't know how. In reality I needed to connect better with myself. So, opposites attract. I looked at other boys as "opposite" to me, and my sexual desire naturally flowed in that direction. Due to all the emotional blocks and barriers in my life, sexuality was the only way left for me to connect with boys, and hence my subconscious found a way. N.B. the subconscious always finds a way, but not always the best way.

So, that's a quick synopsis of some key events. Having written it, I am even more sure that it doesn't do justice to my story but I trust that you will bear this in mind.