MOVING THE BLOG

New domain: http://www.restoredsexuality.com/
RSS Feed: http://feeds.feedburner.com/restoredrss

Ok, I have decided to move this blog. Better to do this sooner rather than later. I decided to get my own domain and to host using Wordpress. It gives me more freedom to develop and I think it will look better and be more functional. So please add my new domain to your favourites, and even add my rss feed. Also, feel free to link to me from your site.

I hope you're enjoying the blog so far - there's a lot more to come.

I'm opening the new blog to comments too. It's a trial basis - would be great to hear what you all think.

New domain: http://www.restoredsexuality.com/
RSS Feed: http://feeds.feedburner.com/restoredrss

Comment: How 'gay' became children's insult of choice

I just read an article on the BBC website called "How 'gay' became children's insult of choice". In general the article discusses how children use the term 'gay' as an insult. Of the teachers interviewed 83% said they heard it being used regularly. I think it is interesting that this term is used so prevalently by kids to get at each other - why this term and not another? The article at points attempts to dissassociate the term from being specifically about homosexuality, saying that it is often just used to refer to something as "rubbish" - butstill, I suppose, why is this term used and not another. Potentially, we don't want to admit that homophobia is rife in British schools - when challenged on the usage, people may simply recognise that such a term is inappropriate and defend the potential for being seen as homophobic by claiming it has nothing to do with homosexuality.

I think it is a real shame that "gay" is used so prevalently in the school playground. Homophobia in all forms is wrong. I remember hearing people being called "gay" as an insult while I grew up. It made me question myself; it heightened my sense that there was something wrong with me, that I wasn't as good as the other guys. It wasn't that I was just the same as all the other guys, but that I was gay. It was actually that I was just the same as all the other guys, and if I could let that sink deep within, my homosexual feelings would diminish and my true heterosexuality would come forward. I believe the insults of kids help to ground even further this sense of being different for the 'pre-homosexual' boy. Being labelled as "gay" can be a first step to identifying yourself as gay and taking on the lifestyle that "being gay" offers.

Kids are more expressive than adults. What they think comes out more clearly. I wonder if kids are simply displaying the unease that the majority of adults have with homosexuality, which their parents more and more cover over with the myths perpetuated by the gay rights lobby. Just a thought.

Cravings for food, cravings for sex

I saw a woman on the bus yesterday. She was quite large. When I first noticed her she was eating a packet of crisps/ chips. She seemed to be enjoying them a lot. Her fervour was evident. I tried not to pay attention to her, and just continued listening to my ipod. Next time I looked over she had a large, long bread sandwich that she’d unwrapped and was tearing her way into. Again, she seemed to determined in her eating. I kept looking across, thinking that she must notice me staring - but I just couldn’t help it. On finishing the sandwich I thought there must be something else. She had a bag with her, capable of carrying a fair few food items. But there was a lull. After a while I thought there would be nothing else… but oh, how wrong was I…

I noticed the smell first. I couldn’t quite work out what it was - I thought maybe fish. She was pulling something out of her bag in lumps, then eating it bit by bit. It stuck to her fingers a bit and so she was also licking her fingers. I was now just staring outright. She was oblivious anyway. I then realised what it was. She was eating corned beef from a large tin. She would just eat and eat. Eventually, just before I got off the bus, she pulled the tin from her bag, and scraped out the remnants from the bottom of it. She had eaten the whole tin. This was all at 4 o’clock in the afternoon - was it her lunch, dinner, or just an afternoon snack - who knows!

In some ways it was repulsive, other ways sad. She clearly derived pleasure from simply eating. I imagined that it must comfort her in some ways, but in no way was this good for her. I doubt she needed any of the food that I watched her eat.

So, where am I going with this. Well, it made me think about addiction. In many ways, she was helpless to stop - she probably didn’t want to stop. If she did, what comfort would she have left. It reminded me of my homosexuality. In the past, acting out, either in reality with another guy or online, just consumed me. It would take over a whole portion of my day. I would be obsessed - I’d just want someone else to be there. I’d do anything just to have some intimacy with another guy, to get the comfort I so craved. I would shock myself with the lengths I would go to. I have told a few friends of how desperate things have gotten before - they so couldn’t tie this up to the person they experience day-to-day. But the desperation and the everday guy were both parts of me.

I suppose there was one clear difference between my homosexual craving and this woman’s food craving - my craving was played out in private, even deluding myself to its presence, her craving was played out in public for all to see, but I suppose she was deluding herself also. But both cravings were futile - bringing pleasure in the moment, but leaving a distaste afterwards; a momentary connection, but nothing of longterm satisfaction. For me (I’m only talking about my experience), the pleasure of acting out was always momentary - longterm hopes faded even more quickly than they had risen.

A thought has just crossed my mind - Could being “gay” be more analogous to being fat that I had ever imagined before? I’m not saying they are identical, but there are similarities. Something to contemplate… Also, something for the gay-identified readers to jump on, exaggerate and slog to death in an attempt to discredit me!! Well, whatever takes your fancy!

How I became "gay" (brief summary)

I would like to give you some indication of how homosexuality developed in my life. I am certain that it developed. Even if you don't believe that this is possible in general, I would appreciate that you listen to my story. I matter! My experience and interpretation of my own life is more valid than anyone else's interpretation of my life.

So, please put aside your pity of me, or your thoughts that I have been brainwashed by the religious right, or your concern for the deeply entrenched internalised homophobia that you feel you are witnessing in me. Just listen to my story, hear me - this is an honest appraisal of my past and how it has impacted my present.

For now I will only highlight key events and their impact - further detail will arise in later posts. In no way will this post fully explain why I have same sex attraction.

I suppose it all started the moment I was born. I know that there was shock and concern as I entered the world. I was born with a large lump on my nose, and I was also a boy (I think you knew the second one). Both these facts were challenges for my mum to deal with. She had wanted a girl to help her out. She already had a son (my older brother), and she found him a handful, and difficult to control - a girl would have been so much easier for her. The lump also caused her concern, and meant that my first few months were not surrounded with joy and love, but rather anxiety and concern. At 3 months, I had surgery to remove the lump. I was finally a cute little baby boy.

In my early years, my mum was keen to keep me out of trouble, and to ensure that I wasn't as difficult as my brother. Greater expectations were placed on me to be quiet, to keep mum happy, and to be "a good little boy". I rose to these expectations. I also knew that I shouldn't play with "bad boys", whoever they seemed to be. It seemed that it was virtually every other little boy! Again I complied, and I developed friendships with some girls who lived nearby.

I always wanted to play with my brother, but he never had time for me, and he was embarrassed to have me around - he didn't want his friends to reject him because his little brother was hanging around. Since, my brother played with the other boys in the neighbourhood, there really was no way for me to break in. Also, my parents never helped me push through this.

At about 8 years old, the girls I played with rejected me for some reason. I told my mum and she just said, "Well, boys don't really play with girls." This just confused my young mind - why did my mum only tell me that now! Why not ages ago, and why was she content for me to play with them if that was the case?! Oh well, I just moved on, and ended up playing with one guy who lived nearby every day. Now, I had been told I should play with boys, I just got on with it.

But then my brother decided he did want me to play with him and his friends. They needed an extra person for some role playing games (like Dungeons and Dragons) they wanted to play, so I got roped in. I was delighted to be included. We would play every day during the summer. My brother would go out and tell me to wait for him to return with his friends. Then they'd come back and we'd play. I enjoyed it for a bit, but then they didn't always show up. I would be left waiting for my brother and his friends to come back, but they wouldn't show. My brother wouldn't even let me know that they weren't going to appear. This confused me again. I was told to wait, I would be shouted at for not waiting, but if they didn't come waiting was very painful. I was left with a deep sense of "I don't know what to do!" I just got left behind, and my life just stopped.

From the age of about 10 right through my teenage years I really didn't know how to break out of this. I was stuck in the house. I wanted to go out but I just didn't know how to. I would make lists of things to do, but couldn't bring myself to follow through (see post Homosexuality as 'Inhibited Assertion'). I thought there must be something wrong with me, that it was all my fault in some way.

It's in the midst of this pain that I believe my homosexuality developed. As described above, I wasn't fully affirmed as a little boy. My boyhood was questioned; I wasn't allowed to be boisterous. When I finally started relating to boys, I met abandonment and pain. This added to my self-questioning of whether I quite made it as a little boy.

It is said that opposites attract. On reaching puberty, other boys had gained assurance in their boyhood, and so girls were "opposite" for them. Hence their sexual desire naturally flowed to girls. For me, I hadn't been affirmed as a boy. I looked to the other boys and thought that they were somehow better than me. I longed to connect with the other boys but didn't know how. In reality I needed to connect better with myself. So, opposites attract. I looked at other boys as "opposite" to me, and my sexual desire naturally flowed in that direction. Due to all the emotional blocks and barriers in my life, sexuality was the only way left for me to connect with boys, and hence my subconscious found a way. N.B. the subconscious always finds a way, but not always the best way.

So, that's a quick synopsis of some key events. Having written it, I am even more sure that it doesn't do justice to my story but I trust that you will bear this in mind.

Impossible is Nothing

I want to encourage every man who struggles with unwanted homosexuality. I want you to know that you are not alone. There are many men just like you, who are looking for, or who are on, another path - a path that society doesn't give us easy access to, but a path that is available all the same. Change is possible - that which we are told is impossible is in fact possible. Our sexuality is not some fixed state that is unalterable - there is fluidity in sexuality. You hear about straight guys who 'experiment' as kids - society doesn't say they are gay! You also hear of guys who have lived heterosexual lives deep into life, but then they experience homosexuality. Some in society would say they were never straight - probably there are some who in that sense were living a lie - but for many, from their discussion of their lives, both heterosexuality and homosexuality were evident. The gay lobby are content for men to go from straight to gay, but they deride and criticise those who go from gay to straight. Don't live your life by anyone else's values - live it by your own. If you want change, if you value it, then go after it. Press on - it truly is possible.

I am on that path of change. I want to document this change in my life through this blog. I choose to be authentic. I will not hype up this change - I will not make false claims about change in my life. I will express the truth of my experience. I hope that as you read and watch me change, that you will gain more hope to change too.

For the sceptics - follow my story, follow this time in my life. I don't want to deceive or manipulate. I simply want to challenge you with the reality of all the theory demonstrated through a life.

We're led to beleive that change is impossible - well, "Impossible is nothing". Impossible just sets a challenge. I'm going for it!

The Simple Joy of Action

So, I've been talking about taking action recently - the need to act on my wants and desires. Well, I thought I would not just talk about it - I'd do it. I have a friend who lives a good 3 hours away by car. I've been wanting to call him to connect and to suggest that I come to visit when I am in his area soon. Ok, so I know that sounds a fairly easy thing to do, but for me it is actually quite difficulty. The desire has been running through my mind for the last couple of weeks, but since a kid I have been in the habit of putting off my desires, or finding a reason not to deal with it in that moment. Today I decided would be different. What in reality did I have to lose?

Even as I sat down to call my friend my mind wandered; I couldn't focus. I typed his number into my phone. I just looked at it for a good minute (more like 5 minutes). I then said "It really matters that I want to ring this guy" (see yesterday's post regarding this affirmation). I repeated it a couple of times and then I took a deep breath and pressed the dial button....

I got his answer phone! I left a message just saying hello and that I had called to see how he was - asked him to call me back if he had time (so I gave him a get out if he wanted it!)

A few hours later he called me back. We chatted and I enjoyed hearing how he was. I could hear that he was pleased I'd called. Just as we were about to say goodbye I plucked up the courage to ask if I could visit him when I'm up in his area in a few weeks. As I anticipated his rejection and awkwardness in saying no to me, instead he responded by saying, "Yes, I'd really like for you to visit. I should be able to rearrange work." We said we'd discuss further and then said goodbye.

So, I felt joy - great joy after the call. Again it may sound small, but my life is formed and progressed by acting on my desires - of course I am joyous for taking this action, especially when I consider the immense pain I have caused myself by not taking similar action numerous times in the past.

I'm concerned you may think I'm a social recluse. This isn't the case. I come across well to people and I do go out and have a good time with friends, but I often don't step beyond the friends I've gained safety and security with. I don't acknowledge the desires that go beyond my comfort zone. I rob myself of life.

So, I want more of this joy, more of this life. Again, consistency is the key - from that I will form a habit - habits form character.

Homosexuality as "Inhibited Assertion"

I'm feeling good today - have a sense of purpose. I planned my day last night before I went to sleep. That made a difference for me. It gave me focus as soon as I got up this morning and ensured that I didn't let any of my day drift by. By lunchtime I felt the joy of feeling accomplished:)

I suppose this is all about being an authentic man - recognising my wants and needs, and going one step further and acting on them! That final step is the most important, but if I don't start by recognising my wants and needs, acting on them is even less likely to happen. Someone once said to me "Men Take Action". It's true - a vital characteristic of a man is the ability to take action. In many ways in today's society men have been put in a box, trapped in a corner, and have pulled back from taking action. In taking action you change the world - thinking about it won't change the world, trying to change the world won't change it, but choosing to change the world and following through will make the impact... You might think I'm just playing with words, but don't underestimate the power of words. The words we use day to day shape our experience and our world. Use different words and you will get different results. If you respond to your desires and needs with different words you are more likely to take action on them.

e.g. Often I respond to my desires and needs by saying to myself, "It doesn't matter that I need/want to..." or "It'll be ok if I don't get that." I learnt to do this as a kid, so as to cope with the pain of not getting what I wanted and needed. But this defensive language doesn't serve me as an adult. As a man I need to go after my needs and wants whole-heartedly. To help with this it will help me to respond to them with different words such as, "It truly matters that I need/want to..." or "It will be great if I get that." These words create a different state within me, and give me power to follow through. I am only now getting my head round this - I want to start now.

Some would say that homosexuality is 'inhibited assertion' i.e. the restriction of this masculine characteristic of taking action. So when a man who struggles with SSA can get over all the barriers and blocks that inhibit his action and whole-heartedly embrace and act upon his wants and needs, the SSA feelings will not be there. I believe there to be a lot of truth in this. My homosexual feelings are non-existent when I am acting on my needs and wants. So, what I need is consistency... there's still some more blocks to deal with to get that.

Call me anytime! ... Really?!

So, another day has been and gone. Following on from yesterday, I have been proactive and stepped forward with things. A friend called me which was great. It was someone I had considered calling when I was down yesterday, but was scared of "disturbing him". I'm not sure when I will finally believe him when he says "Call me anytime, man!" I want to believe it - my life would be better for believing it. So, right now I choose to believe it. If ever I'm down or if I ever want to simply connect positively with another guy I can call my friend. I feel better for simply typing that. Sometimes I wonder if I just don't give myself "permission" to live life! Let's not consider that tonight, but I feel there's something in that...

I went to the gym today and I met up with some other New Warriors. "New what??" you might ask. Well, I recently went on a New Warriors Training Adventure (NWTA). It is ran by the Mankind Project. It was an experiential weekend that I went on to further my healing. It is not in any way related directly to healing from homosexuality. It is about helping men be men! They describe the weekend as

"an intense, transformative men's initiation which invites men to forge a deep conscious connection between head and heart. The NWTA offers men a powerful, challenging opportunity to look at all aspects of their lives in a richly supportive environment."

It was certainly that and more. Go check it out! It runs all across the world. The Mankind Project have been going since the '80s. It's an impressive organisation.

Acting Out - I just want to connect

I felt vulnerable to acting out today. A guy on the subway caught my eye and then he tried to "pick me up" so to speak. It kind of took me by surprise - I liked being noticed and wanted to connect in some way with the guy, but having done so well recently I was able to close the door to this "opportunity". The only reason I was on the same train as this guy was because I got on the wrong line!! It's funny how these things happen.

This occurrence left me feeling numb earlier today. I actually felt a sense of loss - part of me really wanted to connect in some way - any way! It left me wondering how I got to this place. To be honest, it helped me see how over the last few days I have drifted to this low kind of state. Last week my therapist mentioned that he thought I wasn't "over" the relationship I had with a guy at university (a few years ago). He encouraged me to consider what I wanted from this guy, what I needed from him and what I got. He also encouraged me to journal about my feelings surrounding all of this. I was aware there is still undealt with pain and loss relating to this relationship, so I followed this all up on Friday. It was useful to do the exercises, but even in doing it the emotion rose to the surface. I cried as I hit the longing for just one other guy to be there for me.

This longing has sat with me over the weekend. I think it is a key component of why I have SSA. Having no friends as a kid and teenager, I simply longed for one good friend to spend all my time with. I thought "If only I had just one friend, I'd be ok. That would be enough". But I wasn't able to connect in the regular ways - call someone up, go round to their house etc, and so I believe that my subconscious sexualised this longing. Sex ended up being the only way left to connect, since I was unable in the other ways. (Don't get me wrong, this is one way to describe the issue, but it is also more complex than this - there are many facets that build together, but this one was significant for me). Acting on this method of connection helped to reinforce this method in my subconcsious and conscious minds.

Over the years I have learned to connect more healthily to guys. I have developed reasonably good social skills. I have options in terms of how to connect with other guys. I have noticed that when I take these options consistently that the SSA feelings are non-existent. I get the connection I crave, and sex doesn't come into it at all.

So back to this week... Over the last few days I have been withdrawing from others and not acting on my desires with regards to relating to others. The emotion I dug up last week kind of threw my body back into it. I got refroze as old memories surfaced - my body remembered it's old way of coping by not acting, diminishing/ ignoring my desires, and putting things off.

The consequence of this ended up being that my subconscious had to search for some way to meet my legitimate need for male connection. Over the last few days, acting out sexually has crept ever so stealthily in as an option, culminating in the subway incident this morning.

So, I hope you can see how this happened. I also want to point out how I got out of it: when I got home, after hitting the wall a bit in anger, I rang a friend of mine as I knew I simply needed to connect. Eventually he encouraged me to connect with other people. I didn't really want to, but knew it would probably help. I went for a 45 minute walk in which I thought through my goals for life, was thankful for the good things in my life, and I said my "incantations". This all helped to refocus me and gain back some leverage on myself. On getting home I made contact with two different people I had been thinking about contacting in the past week, but had put off contacting. My friend who I had spoke to earlier then called me back to check how I was. The result: I feel great! I'm connected - that's what I've been wanting!! There's no SSA in sight/ mind.

Having written the above, it reminds me of some work done by Dr. Joseph Nicolosi, which is summarised in the article "The Meaning of Same-Sex Attraction". It's really worth reading - it truly opened my eyes when I first read it. I might go into what he says in more depth at some point.

Incantations

Ok, so I discussed my new incantations yesterday - i.e. positive, affirming beliefs said with as great an emotional intensity as possible (bearing in mind who'll hear you!) See yesterday's post on Motivation to Change if you missed it. I said I would post the detail at some point, so here it is...

Beliefs/ uncertainties that were keeping me from pursuing change whole-heartedly:
1. I might not be able to put in all the right effort etc to change, even if it is possible.
2. There could be something in homosexuality that I am missing out on - some degree of fulfillment that I couldn't find in heterosexuality.
3. Maybe I am just gay!
4. I don't fit in with other men - I'm not one of the lads.
5. Maybe people are just born gay afterall. Has anyone really changed?
6. I can't do this on my own - I long for comfort and strength from another man.

These beliefs were pulling me back - I didn't really verbalise them, but due to all the information given to me by the culture and society around me, these doubts arose. They weren't core beliefs, but they lingered to challenge my true beliefs.

My Incantations (the counter-beliefs to those above that motivate me to change):
1. I have the strength, ability, faith and commitment to make a complete change in this area of my life.
2. There is so much more fulfillment for me in heterosexuality that I have ever found or ever could find in the pain-driven, momentary pleasure of homosexuality.
3. I am heterosexual - the outworkings of this heterosexuality have been buried but are now rising up. I call them forth now in complete fullness.
4. I am a man among men; they are my friends, comrades, workmates, competitors, brothers. I belong with them and am fully welcome and accepted in their company.
5. Homosexuality is principally the result of psychological trauma and as such is inherently susceptible to be changed. Many have experienced a complete change. I will experience this complete change too/ I am experiencing this complete change now. (this alternate ending claims it as a reality for my subconscious)
6. God is my rock. My source of strength and place of comfort in my battle with homosexuality and in all my battles. With Him I will walk into the victory He has already won.

A couple of points to note - the majority of today's culture affirms the first set of beliefs above. Even some of my best friends who know my struggle believe these beliefs. Few people question cultural beliefs thinking if most people believe it then it must be true. Well, all I can say is, Do some research and think for yourself!! The second set of beliefs are firm statements that through research and my life experience and analysis I rationally believe, but the first set of beliefs challenges these in my subconscious. The purpose of the incantations is to affirm daily the beliefs I want to live my life by, and to coax the subconscious to let go of the cultural bias it has taken in by osmosis - well... hopefully you catch my point:)

Motivation to Change

Motivation to change is very important to change. You will never change if you are only half-hearted about it. I have spent a lot of the last 8 years or so being half-hearted about changing from being homosexual to heterosexual. Although, I rationally believed that I was not born gay, and that since it had developed it could certainly be reversed, I nevertheless would go from pursuing change to giving up in the space of a week. I let myself sustain this monotonous cycle, that in itself reinforced my fear that I may never change. I want you to grasp the importance of this - I talked a good talk about change, but only lived it about 50% of the time! A lot of men I know who struggle with unwanted homosexuality do the same, or just give up on change altogether even though it is a deep desire in their hearts. To that I say (quoting Richard Cohen) "Never give up. Do not worry about what anyone says or thinks. Focus on your dream."

So, how do you get that motivation? You need to get 'leverage' on yourself. Tony Robbins, the life coach/ life mastery guru, helped me with this one. Last year I started listening to his tapes, both "Get the Edge" and "Personal Power". He is a very charismatic man and he is determined to enable people to enact change in their lives, and create an "extraordinary life". When you get past the what some-may-think "American" cheese, you'll realise he has a lot to offer. His energy, enthusiasm and belief in itself can help you! I went through the following process that he suggests for getting leverage on yourself to do anything, discussing it with a good friend:

I wrote down (very important) the following:
1. All the pain that I will experience in my life over the next 20 years if I don't change from homosexual to heterosexual.
2. All the pleasure that I will gain in my life over the next 20 years if I do change from homosexual to heterosexual.

These two questions help you to face the reality of the issue for you. Often we avoid it and minimise it in our heads from day to day. This process of writing it down clears it up, and also allows your conscious mind to send a message to your subconscious mind about the implications of life as it is now. Then I wrote down:

3. The beliefs/ uncertainties that are keeping me from pursuing change whole-heartedly.
4. The counter-beliefs to those in 3 above, that will in themselves motivate me to change.

(I will share these beliefs in 3 and 4 in a later post)

I spent a lot of time on this process, say 3-4 hours at the first go - my friend helped to pull me through, especially in terms of searching deep to challenge the beliefs in 3. This time got it clear for me.

I have used the beliefs I wrote down in 4 as "incantations" (as Tony calls them). These are affirmations that you say with as much emotion and intensity as you can muster (this grounds them in the subconscious). I say these 6 beliefs every morning at least 5 times each. This helps to remind me of the certainty I gained in the 3-4 hours I spent that night, and it helps to pull that certainty into my day. That night started my "whole-hearted" pursuit for change. Don't fool yourself any longer that it will "just happen" in its own time. You need to believe you can change. Get leverage on yourself. Do it today even. Take action - you deserve your deepest dreams.

Splitting

It's Saturday - I've got a whole weekend to fill. Sometimes this excites me - but often I just feel the pressure of my free time. It's kind of a throw back to when I was a kid. From the age of about 8, I didn't have any friends that I felt comfortable calling on and hanging out with. Due to a number of incidents in my childhood I withdrew from contact, and felt that if people wanted to spend time with me, then they would call on me. I longed to go out, but was frozen - I just didn't know what to do. I often put pressure on myself to go out, I made lists of things to do each day, but still was paralysed by fear and uncertainty. So I made my list at the start of the day, couldn't follow through with it, and then criticised my lack of guts just as I went to sleep. It was a pattern that I took through many summers as a kid and teenager.

So, these feelings still come up from time to time - more accurately they are judgements. I judged that I wasn't wanted, that I wasn't welcome. I judged that there must be something wrong with me. These were my interpretations of my world through my young eyes. I so wish that someone had helped me interpret it differently back then. But they didn't, so I simply got confused and in the midst of the confusion, my searching mind just split from the pain of the emotion, pushed it down. It was the only way for me to get by.

This splitting is what psychological 'trauma' is all about. When a traumatic event happens to an individual lots of emotion rises up, but so do lots of questions. The individual tries to make sense of the situation - tries to find answers to the questions that fit in with current beliefs, and make sense of the emotion. The left brain is the analytical side, and the right brain processes emotions. So, the individual in the midst of a traumatic event is trying to integrate the left and right 'brains'. When a satisfactory evaluation of the circumstance is not possible for the individual, integration cannot happen, and instead a splitting occurs between the emotion and the reasoning. This split in the brain is itself the actual trauma - the event is just the stimulus.

On a side point, a key to dealing with homosexuality and restoring heterosexuality is to deal with the underlying traumas from childhood. This involves revisiting the buried emotion, releasing it and reinterpreting the event as an adult. This process enables the brain to reintegrate, and helps to heal the personality. Few people in life seek to do this in general, whether they struggle with SSA (same sex attraction) or not. But this is something that we can certainly do - and it will help to bring freedom in so many ways - therapy, support groups, experiential weekends, psychodrama are all vehicles for doing this.

So back to the present. I am much better at stepping out in relating to others. I have developed greatly in that since a teenager. I still make lists from time to time, but I actually can act on them these days. Some of the old fears, and old judgements remain, but I'm working on those. So, let's get going... I choose to enjoy this day!

I Want to Speak Now

Welcome to my blog. This is my first post - I feel an overwhelming pressure to make it significant. I want to be understood, I want to be heard. I don't want to be misunderstood even moreso. But I suppose that I don't have control over how you will take this blog - whether you will read it again, whether you will love it or hate it, whether you will be encouraged or discouraged. I really don't have control over any of this.

It reminds me of an episode in the first season of "The West Wing". I have recently gotten into the show. I think it's great. I love the drama of real politics, and hence I love a political drama. The fledgling administration of President Bartlet has had a difficult first 16 months in power. They have been getting to grips with the workings of Washington - contending with lobby groups, internal party politics, a suspicious press, and an antagonistic Congress. They lurch from one challenge to another - failing demonstrably along the way. The President's approval rating has dipped to 42%.

After a day of pandering to congressmen, 'dipping their toes in the water' with no intention of taking action over political appointments, and avoiding issues they care about for fear of the impact on the polls, Leo McGarry, the President's Chief of Staff walks into the Oval Office.

"They [the Press] say that I rein you in, Mr President."

"We both know that's not true, Leo."

"I know - you rein me in Mr. President, " Leo accuses.

The tone turns more aggressive as Leo shows the President how he has stifled the administration for fear of losing political approval. The President has caused his administration to tip-toe around issues for fear of political retribution, misunderstanding from the American people, and fear of impotence in achieving the desired result. Leo reminds the President of the presidential election race; Bartlet's keen hold on the issues and determination to put what he believed across to the public...

There comes a moment when they both look at each other - with a sense of rediscovered passion, with eyes wide-open, Bartlet says slowly, "This is more important than re-election, I want to speak now."

Leo smiles and says, "Yes Mr President, say it again."

"This is more important than re-election, I want to speak NOW!"

They both demonstrate joy and excitement. Leo grabs a pad of paper and starts writing. The President advises him to rally the staff - that they are going to speak. He says to Leo, "Do you have a strategy?"

Leo responds saying, "I think this is a good start." He raises the pad of paper. Upon it he has written his strategy:

'Let Bartlet, Be Bartlet'
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So, here I find myself starting a blog about my healing journey from unwanted homosexuality to my true identity as a fully heterosexual man. I tried to start such a blog two years ago but bearly posted to it twice. I was scared. Again today, I fear misunderstanding, I fear being hounded by critics, I fear not expressing myself clearly. But for too long I have feared these things. I have passion in my heart. I want the world to know the truth that I experience - that healing is possible, that I wasn't born gay, that I can find joy and fulfillment in a relationship with a woman - that you, too, can have your sexuality restored.

"This is more important than approval, I want to speak NOW!"

So welcome, may you truly hear and receive all that is of worth on this blog.