How I became "gay" (brief summary)

I would like to give you some indication of how homosexuality developed in my life. I am certain that it developed. Even if you don't believe that this is possible in general, I would appreciate that you listen to my story. I matter! My experience and interpretation of my own life is more valid than anyone else's interpretation of my life.

So, please put aside your pity of me, or your thoughts that I have been brainwashed by the religious right, or your concern for the deeply entrenched internalised homophobia that you feel you are witnessing in me. Just listen to my story, hear me - this is an honest appraisal of my past and how it has impacted my present.

For now I will only highlight key events and their impact - further detail will arise in later posts. In no way will this post fully explain why I have same sex attraction.

I suppose it all started the moment I was born. I know that there was shock and concern as I entered the world. I was born with a large lump on my nose, and I was also a boy (I think you knew the second one). Both these facts were challenges for my mum to deal with. She had wanted a girl to help her out. She already had a son (my older brother), and she found him a handful, and difficult to control - a girl would have been so much easier for her. The lump also caused her concern, and meant that my first few months were not surrounded with joy and love, but rather anxiety and concern. At 3 months, I had surgery to remove the lump. I was finally a cute little baby boy.

In my early years, my mum was keen to keep me out of trouble, and to ensure that I wasn't as difficult as my brother. Greater expectations were placed on me to be quiet, to keep mum happy, and to be "a good little boy". I rose to these expectations. I also knew that I shouldn't play with "bad boys", whoever they seemed to be. It seemed that it was virtually every other little boy! Again I complied, and I developed friendships with some girls who lived nearby.

I always wanted to play with my brother, but he never had time for me, and he was embarrassed to have me around - he didn't want his friends to reject him because his little brother was hanging around. Since, my brother played with the other boys in the neighbourhood, there really was no way for me to break in. Also, my parents never helped me push through this.

At about 8 years old, the girls I played with rejected me for some reason. I told my mum and she just said, "Well, boys don't really play with girls." This just confused my young mind - why did my mum only tell me that now! Why not ages ago, and why was she content for me to play with them if that was the case?! Oh well, I just moved on, and ended up playing with one guy who lived nearby every day. Now, I had been told I should play with boys, I just got on with it.

But then my brother decided he did want me to play with him and his friends. They needed an extra person for some role playing games (like Dungeons and Dragons) they wanted to play, so I got roped in. I was delighted to be included. We would play every day during the summer. My brother would go out and tell me to wait for him to return with his friends. Then they'd come back and we'd play. I enjoyed it for a bit, but then they didn't always show up. I would be left waiting for my brother and his friends to come back, but they wouldn't show. My brother wouldn't even let me know that they weren't going to appear. This confused me again. I was told to wait, I would be shouted at for not waiting, but if they didn't come waiting was very painful. I was left with a deep sense of "I don't know what to do!" I just got left behind, and my life just stopped.

From the age of about 10 right through my teenage years I really didn't know how to break out of this. I was stuck in the house. I wanted to go out but I just didn't know how to. I would make lists of things to do, but couldn't bring myself to follow through (see post Homosexuality as 'Inhibited Assertion'). I thought there must be something wrong with me, that it was all my fault in some way.

It's in the midst of this pain that I believe my homosexuality developed. As described above, I wasn't fully affirmed as a little boy. My boyhood was questioned; I wasn't allowed to be boisterous. When I finally started relating to boys, I met abandonment and pain. This added to my self-questioning of whether I quite made it as a little boy.

It is said that opposites attract. On reaching puberty, other boys had gained assurance in their boyhood, and so girls were "opposite" for them. Hence their sexual desire naturally flowed to girls. For me, I hadn't been affirmed as a boy. I looked to the other boys and thought that they were somehow better than me. I longed to connect with the other boys but didn't know how. In reality I needed to connect better with myself. So, opposites attract. I looked at other boys as "opposite" to me, and my sexual desire naturally flowed in that direction. Due to all the emotional blocks and barriers in my life, sexuality was the only way left for me to connect with boys, and hence my subconscious found a way. N.B. the subconscious always finds a way, but not always the best way.

So, that's a quick synopsis of some key events. Having written it, I am even more sure that it doesn't do justice to my story but I trust that you will bear this in mind.

Acting Out - I just want to connect

I felt vulnerable to acting out today. A guy on the subway caught my eye and then he tried to "pick me up" so to speak. It kind of took me by surprise - I liked being noticed and wanted to connect in some way with the guy, but having done so well recently I was able to close the door to this "opportunity". The only reason I was on the same train as this guy was because I got on the wrong line!! It's funny how these things happen.

This occurrence left me feeling numb earlier today. I actually felt a sense of loss - part of me really wanted to connect in some way - any way! It left me wondering how I got to this place. To be honest, it helped me see how over the last few days I have drifted to this low kind of state. Last week my therapist mentioned that he thought I wasn't "over" the relationship I had with a guy at university (a few years ago). He encouraged me to consider what I wanted from this guy, what I needed from him and what I got. He also encouraged me to journal about my feelings surrounding all of this. I was aware there is still undealt with pain and loss relating to this relationship, so I followed this all up on Friday. It was useful to do the exercises, but even in doing it the emotion rose to the surface. I cried as I hit the longing for just one other guy to be there for me.

This longing has sat with me over the weekend. I think it is a key component of why I have SSA. Having no friends as a kid and teenager, I simply longed for one good friend to spend all my time with. I thought "If only I had just one friend, I'd be ok. That would be enough". But I wasn't able to connect in the regular ways - call someone up, go round to their house etc, and so I believe that my subconscious sexualised this longing. Sex ended up being the only way left to connect, since I was unable in the other ways. (Don't get me wrong, this is one way to describe the issue, but it is also more complex than this - there are many facets that build together, but this one was significant for me). Acting on this method of connection helped to reinforce this method in my subconcsious and conscious minds.

Over the years I have learned to connect more healthily to guys. I have developed reasonably good social skills. I have options in terms of how to connect with other guys. I have noticed that when I take these options consistently that the SSA feelings are non-existent. I get the connection I crave, and sex doesn't come into it at all.

So back to this week... Over the last few days I have been withdrawing from others and not acting on my desires with regards to relating to others. The emotion I dug up last week kind of threw my body back into it. I got refroze as old memories surfaced - my body remembered it's old way of coping by not acting, diminishing/ ignoring my desires, and putting things off.

The consequence of this ended up being that my subconscious had to search for some way to meet my legitimate need for male connection. Over the last few days, acting out sexually has crept ever so stealthily in as an option, culminating in the subway incident this morning.

So, I hope you can see how this happened. I also want to point out how I got out of it: when I got home, after hitting the wall a bit in anger, I rang a friend of mine as I knew I simply needed to connect. Eventually he encouraged me to connect with other people. I didn't really want to, but knew it would probably help. I went for a 45 minute walk in which I thought through my goals for life, was thankful for the good things in my life, and I said my "incantations". This all helped to refocus me and gain back some leverage on myself. On getting home I made contact with two different people I had been thinking about contacting in the past week, but had put off contacting. My friend who I had spoke to earlier then called me back to check how I was. The result: I feel great! I'm connected - that's what I've been wanting!! There's no SSA in sight/ mind.

Having written the above, it reminds me of some work done by Dr. Joseph Nicolosi, which is summarised in the article "The Meaning of Same-Sex Attraction". It's really worth reading - it truly opened my eyes when I first read it. I might go into what he says in more depth at some point.

I Want to Speak Now

Welcome to my blog. This is my first post - I feel an overwhelming pressure to make it significant. I want to be understood, I want to be heard. I don't want to be misunderstood even moreso. But I suppose that I don't have control over how you will take this blog - whether you will read it again, whether you will love it or hate it, whether you will be encouraged or discouraged. I really don't have control over any of this.

It reminds me of an episode in the first season of "The West Wing". I have recently gotten into the show. I think it's great. I love the drama of real politics, and hence I love a political drama. The fledgling administration of President Bartlet has had a difficult first 16 months in power. They have been getting to grips with the workings of Washington - contending with lobby groups, internal party politics, a suspicious press, and an antagonistic Congress. They lurch from one challenge to another - failing demonstrably along the way. The President's approval rating has dipped to 42%.

After a day of pandering to congressmen, 'dipping their toes in the water' with no intention of taking action over political appointments, and avoiding issues they care about for fear of the impact on the polls, Leo McGarry, the President's Chief of Staff walks into the Oval Office.

"They [the Press] say that I rein you in, Mr President."

"We both know that's not true, Leo."

"I know - you rein me in Mr. President, " Leo accuses.

The tone turns more aggressive as Leo shows the President how he has stifled the administration for fear of losing political approval. The President has caused his administration to tip-toe around issues for fear of political retribution, misunderstanding from the American people, and fear of impotence in achieving the desired result. Leo reminds the President of the presidential election race; Bartlet's keen hold on the issues and determination to put what he believed across to the public...

There comes a moment when they both look at each other - with a sense of rediscovered passion, with eyes wide-open, Bartlet says slowly, "This is more important than re-election, I want to speak now."

Leo smiles and says, "Yes Mr President, say it again."

"This is more important than re-election, I want to speak NOW!"

They both demonstrate joy and excitement. Leo grabs a pad of paper and starts writing. The President advises him to rally the staff - that they are going to speak. He says to Leo, "Do you have a strategy?"

Leo responds saying, "I think this is a good start." He raises the pad of paper. Upon it he has written his strategy:

'Let Bartlet, Be Bartlet'
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So, here I find myself starting a blog about my healing journey from unwanted homosexuality to my true identity as a fully heterosexual man. I tried to start such a blog two years ago but bearly posted to it twice. I was scared. Again today, I fear misunderstanding, I fear being hounded by critics, I fear not expressing myself clearly. But for too long I have feared these things. I have passion in my heart. I want the world to know the truth that I experience - that healing is possible, that I wasn't born gay, that I can find joy and fulfillment in a relationship with a woman - that you, too, can have your sexuality restored.

"This is more important than approval, I want to speak NOW!"

So welcome, may you truly hear and receive all that is of worth on this blog.